What if I look freaky because of myself?

 I have always wanted to re-start writing. This blog. 

But so much in my head asking why am I going back to where I started before. I have deleted the entire blog that I created 15 years ago. How strange, I am writing in the same blog that I deleted. 

So now, I am taking this leap of faith to writing again. My feelings, my thoughts. The crazy, sad and happy stuff that goes through my mind. 

Today, I am feeling really off. 

I feel stupid for making a decision to go through an eye lid surgery to repair my "tired" look. According to the doctor (a qualified ocular cosmetic surgeon) my eyes' condition was call ptosis, where the eye lid was droopy making my look tired. Especially for the right eye. Because of this, he had to make a levator eye muscle palpebrae repair to lift the eye lid muscle. This makes my right eye looks "weird" meanwhile my left eye looks normal. 

I'm really sad, to be really frank. Can't see myself on the camera cos my eyes looks freaky and weird. My daughter said I destroyed my own beautiful natural looking eyes, though droopy but it wasn't really bothering me anyways. 

I just wanted to remove the eye bags, but the doc insisted that I did the ptosis repair as a functional surgery, which I have trusted him. But now, I have so much regret looking what I am today. 

Post 100 days the eye surgery, I hate my eyes now. The doctor next appointment will be 3 months later, in which he "chided" me that my tendons and muscles are now still trying to get used to how it used to be. Do I continue to hope and have faith that it will look better 3 months from now?

Very sad. Really.